I am constantly haunted by these words:
“How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.” (-Annie Dillard)
Constantly. As I watch forty of my weekly hours pass sitting in an old desk chair staring at my computer or practicing my zen breathing to keep myself from becoming overly frustrated with one of my customers, I can’t help but wonder what I am doing here.
I am twenty-two, wildly passionate and just as wildly lost it seems. Just a year out of college, I am constantly bombarded with, “Oh, so what are you doing now?” I find myself trying to make my job sound more interesting than it is. I’m working for the orchestra! I’m really enjoying it.
I am treading water.
Fortunately, my job gives me a lot of time to read my daily digest of blogs. Jon Acuff, author of Stuff Christians Like, wrote this article on his 97 Seconds with God blog. Jon reminded me that even after David got called to be the king, he went back to the fields to be a shepherd a while longer.
This is a pretty comforting thought. I know this stage in my “career” isn’t going to be forever. I am working nearly full-time for basically peanuts with no benefits. Not that money is really the goal, but I would love to have a job where I could pay all my bills without waiting tables on the side. If David had to tend sheep, maybe I can sell tickets to some cranky old people. And let’s be honest people, even Jesus was a carpenter before he was out preaching the good news.
At the same time, however, I feel like I am wasting time. How I am spending my days is sometimes troubling, and I find myself floundering when someone asks me what it is I really want to do with my life.
I want to love people. I want to feed the hungry. I want to see justice happen here. I want to make music. I want to be a good listener. Someday, I want to be a loving wife and mother.
Can it be good enough for me to be in a field right now? Hopefully good (read: more interesting) things are on the horizon. This fall I am hoping to start a seminary program. I am thirsty for reading and lectures and ideas and papers. Sounds crazy, doesn’t it? I can’t wait, and I think that must be a good sign.