I can’t go to an opera without bursting into tears at least once.  Is that normal?

For most, I assume not.  Many seem to find opera inaccessible and boring (sidenote: if you think that about opera–GO SEE ONE. then decide. geez.).  For a while, I wanted to devote my whole life to it.  That is a big thought!  I was ready to sacrifice having a family someday and normality and safety for art and culture and travel and loads and loads of practice.  It was the practice that got me in the end, and the yearning for something more stable.  I can’t even describe it, but something deep inside me wanted more.

Then a couple weeks ago, I went to a friend’s senior voice recital, and she was fantastic.  I went home, watched the dvd from my own recital from a year ago, and bawled my eyes out.  What the crap!?  Really. Just crying.  Snot, the works.

Then today a friend of mine who thought all her life that she’d go to seminary told me she decided she’s going to grad school for voice.  What is my instant reaction?  Jealousy!  I am envious that she has the drive.  (Even though now I am the one heading to seminary…)

And that’s just it.  The drive.  I lack it.  I lack the motivation and discipline to spend 4 hours alone in a practice room every day.  It’s just not going to happen for me.  I gave it my best shot, and it turns out I’m not cut out to be a diva–at least not an opera-singing one–and although I know in my heart that’s not my path…I am envious of those who are made for it.

So now what?  I guess I need to just be prepared to lean on the Lord to swallow the jealousy and dive in headfirst to whatever it is that’s on its way.

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